Missing you...

Tonight is the end of the five day break that I have. And also tonight is very heartbreaking for me. Because tomorrow, I won't be able to spend time with you. And even right now, I miss you so much.

I really hope to be with you all the time. To sleep with you by my side, to hug you when I sleep. I love when you hug me...

I miss you, my dear. I hope I can be back on sibu soon. I love you...

Loving till we are old

Wow it's already more than 100 days. To think that our relationship has lasted quite a long time. But I'm glad to have lasted this long with you. I'm glad we have been together this long and still remained so loving.

Actually I was afraid. Because my past relationships have mostly ended before 100 days. But I really wanted ours to last forever. Definitely more than 100 days.

I really hope we can always be loving until we are old. I really like when u act cute and manja with me. I like when u hug my arm. I like when u lie on my shoulder. I like when u rub ur face/nose against my shoulder.

I like when you are so girlish and cute when you are with me. Because you make me feel so manly and tough. Haha... And I feel like I can protect u.

Please always be cute and manja with me. I love that very much...

Thank you for being so caring and loving all the time. I know you do so much for me... And I really appreciate what you did. I feel much more secure knowing that you care so much about me.

I will always love you until we are old. Never scold you, never hit you, never betray you. I love you, 老婆.

Confrontation

Today, we finally meet. After a week. After our quarrel a few days ago. Even though the last few days we acted like nothing was wrong, we both knew something was gonna happen today, when we meet.

Which is why I was quite worried about meeting you. I was so scared. I was so afraid you will tell me you want to stop this and break up. I was so afraid that you don't think we can be together anymore.

I said this to you already and I want to say it again. Nobody is perfect and that includes me. I will never be able to fulfill your criteria of a perfect man. Even you yourself said so last time, that the perfect man doesn't exist.

What I can do is promise to learn from my mistakes and not make the same ones in the future. When I know about it, I will learn from it. It doesn't mean I will learn it outright in one try. It might take me a few tries but please bear with me. Because I am trying.

I will always look at your positive side. I will always remember how you care about me, love me and shower me with happiness. All you did I will remember. And remembering how you did all that makes me feel more secure. And more positive that you are the one for me.

Nobody can predict the future. We may have problems, we may not. We may break up, we may not. But we can't live in fear of the future. We can't expect the worst all the time too. We anticipate the worst scenario so we are prepared for it, but we hope for the best to happen.

My dear, I love you more and more, after each argument we have. Because we learn from it and don't fight over those same things again. When you are emotional, I promise to always be there for you. To comfort you. If I am not there, please wait patiently because I am rushing to be by your side. 

I love you.

Sorry

I don’t want you to be sad anymore.  I don’t want you to be insecure anymore.  I don’t want you to cry anymore.  I just want to say that I am sorry for everything I have done.  And I promise I will try harder and do as much as I can to make you happy.

Because even when I am sad, I am worried about you.  I am thinking about you.  I still love you.

It really makes me so sad that you are crying, you are not getting enough sleep.  I hope you are okay now.

I love you.

Paper hearts leads to thoughts

So today I was quite free so I folded a lot of paper hearts.  But I’m glad that tomorrow, you don’t need to go to the dreadful school anymore.  And you don’t need to wake up so early anymore.  You should sleep in late and rest more.  You deserved more rest. 

I don’t know what I would do without you because you are taking care of me all the time.  There is always something I need to so every day because I am always procrastinating.  But I know you worry about me and want me to do things fast.  So I try my best.

I am not good with confrontation.  It doesn’t matter about what, whether I am in control or I am not, I do not like to confront anyone.  Not my friend, not my family, not even you.  So sometimes, I will feel a bit tortured.

But do you know, so far, you have been so understanding of me.  Usually, I do not need to talk much or say what is bothering me, you can tell.  I hope in the future, you can continue doing that for me.  And I will try my best to be as understanding and sensitive towards you.

I won’t blame my gender so let me just say that I am sometimes not that sensitive.  But I hope you know that I would never ever do something to hurt you on purpose.  If I do hurt you, it is because I did it accidentally.  And if I do so, I’m sorry.  Please forgive me. 

Because I love you very much and you hold a special place in my heart, at the top.

A small wish

Have you ever had that one day when nothing absolutely interesting happens?  I’ve had one of those days.  It was today.  I went to school as usual, taught as usual, settled some SPM stuff as usual, went back to my quarters as usual and played badminton as usual.

Not every day is an interesting and eventful day.  Not every day is full of wows and shocks.  Someday are just for us to laze around.  Which brings me to my topic of relaxation.  What is your idea of a perfect relaxing day? 

I remember asking you before.  And you said just staying at home, reading a book.  I have the same idea as well.  In the past, I was such a fan of reading.  Maybe because I had more time to read compared to now. 

When I got to Plymouth, the first things I bought were 2^nd hand novels.  There are a lot of charity shops selling 2^nd hand books for a very cheap price.  Most of the books are even in very good condition.  One book costs around 50 pence to 2 pounds.  But if you buy a new one, it will cost around 5 pounds. 

And I loved to go around charity shops, looking at 2^nd hand stuff.  Most of the items sold there are in very good condition.  I bought some clothes too.  I love looking at the stuff.  It’s a pity you can’t experience it with me.  It’s like a small museum sometimes.

My parents really want to visit UK.  But it has always been quite expensive.  And I really want to bring them around too because I know the places.  But most of all, I wish you can go with me and my parents.  Your parents-in-laws.  I hope we can go travelling together.  Maybe in the future, when we are married already, we can go together.

My dear, I hope you will get along well with my parents and my sister.  Please don’t be afraid of them.  I know my parents well.  I know they are not scary once you get to know them.  I don’t expect us all to live together because we need our privacy.  But I hope we can be close to your parents and mine too.

You are my wife already, my dear.  I love you very much.  Muaks muaks.

A new canvas for us

So our journal finished.  For a moment, I thought we would buy a new one.  Because you seem quite interested in continuing to write.  But I guess we can just continue elsewhere.  For me, I want to continue typing it here.  Honestly, because I can think better and write better and faster here.

We are officially a couple for more than 3 months now.  And it still feels like a dream sometimes.  Like I will wake up and find out that we have not actually been going out together, we have not actually been dating.  I will feel scared then.  I don’t want to lose you.

Today, we both cried.  But I think it is not a really bad thing.  Because after we cried, we realized what was most important to each other.  Loving each other and doing all we can to keep each other from crying.  When I see you cry, I feel so sad and I don’t want to see you cry again.  And I know you feel the same way towards me.  So we will both try harder to love each other better. 

My dear, I have always been a bit insensitive.  But I am trying very hard, since even before we are together, to try and be more sensitive.  I’m sorry that I am still insensitive.  I promise again, that I won’t be so soft-hearted with others.  Not just girls.  But do you realise?  Ever since you told me, I have already tried to be more resolute and firm.  Just not enough yet.

My dear, continue to support me…  If I am not firm enough, please help me be more firm.  But don’t scold me for being irresolute.  When you tell me, I will realise and I will do all I can.  Sometimes, I really don’t realise.  That is why I need you.

You are my koala, you are my sunflower, you are my wife, you are my love.  Please love me always.  And I promise I will love you always too.

Strengths and weaknesses

So today, I feel much better already.  And I am starting to relax more.  My sore throat is almost gone, my nose is not that painful, and my sinus is barely bothering me already.  I’m used to doing a lot of things at once, do you know?  I can type a blog here while listening to a tv series I have on, and after a few minutes, I can stop writing and play my game on my tablet a while.  Weird huh?  But anyway, I can’t do all of them at once.  That’s crazy. 

My dear, this two days, I can feel and realise how much you care about me.  You remind me to drink water, do this and that, like my wife would.  Please continue to do this even after we are married okay?  I feel so lucky to have you in my life.  You take good care of me and love me.

Do you feel lucky to have me?  I hope you do.  In many ways, I know that I may have weaknesses.  I am not sensitive enough sometimes and I have very poor memory.  I can never remember a person’s face, or dates or names.  I always forget stuff.  But for what it’s worth, I know that I am a very handy person.  I can fix a lot of things.  I guess that is my only strength.

My friend, Auni once said, “Siapa yang kahwin Fong ni pasti sangat bahagia.”  I guess she was referring to me being handy around the house.  And I hope you feel that way about me.   That you feel very blissful to be with me, and to marry me.  I hope you are so happy to marry me.

She is my closest friend, even now, although we have not talked in a very long time.  I guess she is the first friend who truly sees me deeply.  She understands me very well and always gives me advice that helps me a lot.  I hope you can one day meet her.  

I love you, my darling… I love you so much…

Thursday, 20 Oct 2016

5.51pm

Sick!!!

So all of a sudden last night, I fell sick.  How did this happen?  I was so surprised because I was completely healthy and feeling very well yesterday before I started sneezing.  It was so weird.  And with just one sneeze, it became a full blown flu influenza in just an hour.  How crazy is that?

Last week, you were sick and I felt exactly how you are feeling now.  I really wanted to help you feel better, but I guess I can’t.  So now, I know you feel very helpless too, knowing how sick I am.  But trust me, my love.  In our lifetime, we have been sick so many times already.  A few hundred times I guess.  But don’t worry because we have gone through that before, and we will weather this too.

I am very happy to have you caring about me.  Telling me to drink water, drink 100 plus, eat strepsils…  all those small gestures add up to a whole lot more.  I feel so touched that you care so much about me.  Hehe…  So today I rested a lot.  I don’t want to do a lot of stuff because I feel tired. 

My sinus hurts because of the flu and my head is throbbing.  Like a disco.  Thump thump thump…  It’s so funny.  I have taken a look at the vests that you showed me.  I actually liked the 2^nd one you sent me.  Because it looks so nice and simple. 

I think you should have realized by now, that I like simple things.  I like simple designs and simple colours.  Even for houses  or decorations, I like simple and modern.  Anyway, I think the 2^nd one can be worn at any other occasions in the future.  Thank you for showing me.

I love you, my dear.  I will always love you. 

Wednesday, 19 Oct 2016

7.31pm

Looking forward to our Bali trip

So continuing from yesterday, this last weekend I was so over the moon.  Because I spent the whole weekend with my loved one.  I wished that it would last forever.  I almost didn’t want to leave.  I want to just hug her n hold her close to me. 

But in the end, we both have actual lives that we need to live.  I need to go back to Daro and you need to rest early for your work today.  I guess I understand now when people take vacations.  Because during the short period of vacation, we got to focus entirely on ourselves, and no one else. 

Every day, we thought about just the two of us, having a nice time, worrying about none of the things that usually plagued us.  No work to worry about, no students to worry about, no parents to worry about.  Nothing but you and me.  And I really treasure that moment.

Which is why I would really enjoy our trip to Bali at the end of this year.  I have never been there before, but I trust you when you said it is very beautiful.  And I’m sure we will have an amazing and magical time there.  So I hope you will bring me around, and help me enjoy all the beautiful sights you experienced alone last time.  This time, you will have me with you. 

I love you, my dear.  You are the gem of my life.  You are my diamond, my most precious person.  Thank you for coming into my life because you make me so happy for the last few months.  I have never imagined that I can be this happy.  But you made me so happy.  I love you.  Let us be together until the day we die.  Muaks… I love you…

Tuesday, 18 Oct 2016

6.59pm

Post-vacation blues

My dear, I am so grateful that I have you in my life.  We went through so much in just a few months.  Almost like we have been dating for a long time.  Like a few years.  I am very worried.  Worried that you will not be satisfied with me or find me annoying or have any other complains about me.  Because you said before that travelling together is the time when we will see if we are truly compatible.  Honestly, I am very happy with us.  I hope you feel the same way.

At first I was uncertain too about travelling together.  Because I know that this may decide if you are happy with me.  And I am not absolutely confident you will be happy with me.  I’m afraid that I may have habits that even I myself do not know about, or you find terrible. 

I told SW and AC that I can’t fetch them anymore.  To be honest, I do not feel anything at all.  Because like I have said many times before, you are my number one.  I care most about you and I love you.  I don’t really mind about them.  I just don’t want you to be sad or insecure anymore.  Please believe me okay?

I’m happy we went to KL together.  Because I felt that I can be so freely intimate with you.  In sibu, we are always worried if there are people whom we know.  But in KL, no worries about that.  At least, not that easy to meet them.  And I know you are less worried too.  There are so many foreign tourists there, they are being intimate too.  So it should not be weird.

Congratulations on the award, my dear.  I know you are so excited.  And I am happy for you too.  I hope I can always be a part of your life.  Please let me be a part of your life until we are old okay?  I love you so much.  I have been so happy this last few days, I don’t even know how to express it.  I love love love you.

Monday, 17 Oct 2016

8.36pm