Breakfast

On Saturday, I went to her house for breakfast.  She made me this local dish called ‘kampua’.  But she made it with her own unique and distinctive style, using Bovril instead of soy sauce.  Then, she added some fried eggs and some chicken pieces.  I didn’t tell her then, but it tasted so nice.  It was different from what I always ate, but it was good.  What touched me more than the taste itself, is that she wanted to make breakfast for me, and she put a lot of effort into making it for me.  She could have just made a simple one, but she chose to add additional stuff like the omelette, the chicken chunks and the fried onions.  It really made me feel loved.  And honestly, while it wasn’t the best I had tasted, it was one filled with love.  So, I love it so so much, and I would love to have this for breakfast for the rest of my life.

Then, I was already sick, and I didn’t dare to be too intimate with her, because her father was just behind me.  So I guess I didn’t compliment her on the ‘kampua’ as much.  And I couldn’t talk much because my nose is killing me.  She didn’t mind being close to me, even though I was sick.  She didn’t mind that I could infect her with my flu (which I did, unfortunately).  Once again, she touched my heart. 

In the afternoon, we fell asleep at my house.  She was watching over me the whole day, even though I knew she was feeling unwell too.  I should have been more caring towards her.  I will do so in the future.  She really cared for me so much and kinda nursed me back to a reasonably good health. 

I’m really grateful to have her in my life.  And I want to love her the way she has loved me.  I was to shower her with love and care for her just as she had done me.  Thank you, my love.  Thank you for being in my life.

Paper hearts

Just another daily dose of updates from me... Today is friday. And i am very happy because i am going home today and meeting her soon. I miss her like crazy and i know she misses me as much too.

Every day, to show my love for her, i have been folding paper hearts. So this week, i have been folding as well. Usually, i used coloured papers. There is one which is using plain paper, but i kept it because i kept it in my breast pocket close to my heart the whole morning. And it symbolises my love...

Daily dose of love

Every day, I want to do something for my love. I want to write or do something that can touch her heart. I'm afraid I haven't been very romantic to her every day. And I guess it isn't very easy, being romantic every day. But I will try my best.

Last week, she asked me to fold paper hearts for her. And I have been gladly doing it for her. Because I love her.

And I really look forward to wearing the couple's shirt and dress with her. I won't be embarrassed or shy. Because I want to show the world that I have the best girlfriend ever. And I love her.

My heart

If being in a relationship is considered a gamble, then loving someone would definitely be a risk.  And I have been taking a big risk these past few weeks.  I am letting myself fall deeper and deeper in love with you.  Looking back, I realise that there is also a reason why I never want to let myself fall so deeply in love.  It is because the deeper I fall in love, the more of my heart I hand over to you, the easier it is to feel hurt.  Even the smallest and tiniest matters can cause a bleed in my heart. 

I know you care so much about me.  And I know you worry about me a lot.  And I know I like to procrastinate and I always forget about stuff.  Which is why I understand why you are often worried about me.  You are worried I would forget something important.  And I really appreciate it when you remind me about things.

Sometimes though, I hope you don’t remind me so often.  Don’t get me wrong.  I like how you care so much about me.  And you understand me so well, so you remind me about things.  But there are reasons why I never talked to you about work, or my assignments.  We are often very busy.  I always have stuff to worry about, like school work and assignments.  And yes, they often cause me to be stressed.  But spending time with you, talking to you, chatting with you, is my way of dealing with the stress.  Just chatting with you makes me feel better.  Talking to you, I can forget about my worries and my stress. 

Which is why when I am talking to you or chatting with you, I just want to focus on you and think about you.  I don’t want to think about other stuff.  It doesn’t mean that I ignore all my work and assignments.  I still remember them and do them when we finish talking or chatting.  Even if it is just for a few minutes, or half an hour, please just let me enjoy our time together. 

Please don’t take our time together away.  Or bring our outside work into our relationship.  I hope when we talk, chat or spend time together, we are just focused on each other.  We already have such a busy life.  And we have so many worries already.  And we are so far from each other.  So when we do have time together, let us spend that time just enjoying each other’s company, forgetting about other stuff okay?  We can get back to our lives when we spent our time together. 

The reason I am telling you this is because I love you very much.  And I have surrendered my heart to you.  If you choose, you can pierce it every day.  You can hurt me every day and torture me all the time.  But I love you, and I trust you.  And I hope you will understand how I feel.  So let us be even closer than ever before.  Let our relationship grow stronger okay?

7/22

Like the ubiquitous 911, now 722 has become a very important date. Just that this date is tremendously important only to me. I guess I will remember this date for the rest of my life. The date when we became a couple. I haven't had a girlfriend in a very long time. And I guess I come with all sorts of baggage. By baggage I mean all sorts of weaknesses. I know I have a lot of problems. I also have my own phobias. And I am clingy and easily jealous.

But I guess I'm happy that you are clingy and easily jealous too. Because we will easily understand each other well.

I will make you the happiest girl on earth. At least I will try to. I want to care for you. I want to pamper you. I want to cater to your indulgences. Most of all I want to love you. And I promise you, I won't change even after we become a couple. Every day I will love you too.

Thank you for giving me a chance. Thank you for taking a gamble and risking your future to be with me. We don't know the future. But we cannot be afraid of it. We have to take a chance and pray we have a happy ending. I know no matter how secure you are... You will be afraid too. I will do my best to make you feel happy and less afraid. Because I truly deeply madly love you.

Paranoia: Extreme Level

I guess I know how she felt last week.  When she was insecure.  It’s like every single thing can trigger a huge reaction.  And that is exactly how I feel right now.  Just because I felt that she was a bit distant this whole day, I became paranoid and scared.  I wonder about what.  But then, I became obsessed.  Like a man with any obsession, he will fixate on that one thing he is obsessed about as long as he can.  I keep wondering about her, keep thinking about her, keep missing her.  Even more than I usually do.  And I know this is scary.  Most girls will run screaming away from me right now.  But I really hope she is not like that.  Because I really love her so much.

I guess that it is because I love her so much that I became depressed like this.  If I didn’t love her that much, I wouldn’t even care.  So what does this mean to me?  Am I destined to be hurt and sad and depressed every time I love a girl wholeheartedly?  Will I forever be tortured if I love a girl?  Is that why I have such a strong phobia with love?

Please don’t hurt me, if you are reading.  Please love me and give me lots of attention.  Because I am like a little puppy.  Give me lots of attention and I will love you forever and ever.  I will always be faithful to you until the day I die.  

Even if you are busy, please just send me a message.  Telling me that you are too busy to talk to me, or chat with me.  Please always tell me you love me.  Or that you miss me.  Because it makes a big difference to my day.  Whether I have a joyful day or not, depends on how you treat me.  I’m so pathetic.  I’m sorry.  

In the end, after I told her all of this, she told me to look at her WeChat moments.  And there it was, her loud proclamation to the world (at least to those close friends) that she is in love with me.  And she uploaded our pictures.  And I was very touched with that.  Because it is not easy for her to loudly profess her love to a guy.  I know she is shy.  Any girl would be.  And she is even more shy that most girls I know.  Thank you.

I know she is trying very hard to cheer me up and to make me feel secure.  But like how she was feeling last week, insecurity cannot just be turned off like a light switch.  It takes time.  It takes a lot of effort to make a person feel secure again.  Last week, it took me three days.  And I really tried so hard and did a lot of things I would normally never do to make her feel secure.  I know she realizes this, which is why she professed her love for me in her WeChat moments.  

Thank you for continuing to try and make me feel better.  Thank you for making such a big step in our relationship.  Thank you for always loving me.  As I write all of this, I feel much better already.  I love her very much.  And I know she loves me too.  Shouldn’t this be the only thing that matters?

Letting go

Sorry that it has been a few days.  I guess in my hectic days, I really forgot to write something here.  Since last week, I think I have been having an incredibly happy and joyful week.  So happy in fact, that I feel like this is still a dream.  Yes, it has been nearly a week, but I still think that I am dreaming.  But over this week, I have come to realize that I really like her.  Not just like her as a friend, but more than that.  How did I become this way?  When did I started changing my view of her?  I don’t know exactly but when I looked back early of this year, the feeling was there already.  And the feelings have just grown stronger and stronger every day.

Before this, I was scared and worried.  I know my weaknesses.  Not just the ones we talked about, but other weaknesses.  Like I think I am clingy.  I like to text her often, to ask her about her day, to just talk to her.  Sometimes, even saying things like “I miss you” or “I am thinking of you”.  Over the past few failed relationships, I have always been more and more controlling of myself.  I thought that girls do not like to hear me saying that often.  Maybe because they will eventually get tired of it or because after a while, they think I am just saying it for the fun of it.  They never realized that I meant every word I said.

Because all this while, I have always been torturing myself.  I know I am a very passionate person.  When I fall in love with a girl, I will have only her in my mind.  No other girls, no matter how pretty or sexy they are, comes close to her in my mind.  Sounds like I’m lying, but I am not.  That is why I often think of her throughout the day.  But I have learnt not to be clingy because it will drive the girl away.  But the more I hold myself back, the more I am torturing myself.  Because I miss the girl so much, yet I cannot ask her too often how her day is going.  Even when I wanted to send one text, I would think nearly 10 times if I would bother her.

This time, I was so surprised when she told me that she doesn’t mind.  And she herself texted me so often during the day.  She is so different and unique.  And I know right that moment that she is the one for me.  She fits me like a jigsaw puzzle.  And for that I love her.  I am not afraid to admit it anymore.  I love her very much.

Up until now, I still had a bit of reservation within myself.  She seems like a dream come true for me.  What if she really is?  What if a few months from now, she suddenly gets a realization that she doesn’t really like me?  Would I be hurt again?  But after last week and today, my worries are getting more and more washed away.  I am not afraid anymore.  I am no longer afraid of letting myself fall head over heels in love again.  I am ready to love her now.  And I will.

Anyway, recently I started watching Descendants of the Sun.  And I really love that show.  It is just so romantic.  Just now, I saw a really nice and meaningful quote.  When I saw it, I really want to share it with her.  

Yoo:       Usually dating is when things that “I can do myself” are done by the other person.

Kang:     I will do it later for you too.  The things that you can do by yourself.

If you are reading, I hope you know... I hope I can do those things for you too.

Bad luck follows me like a plague

I got in an accident today. Another car rammed into the back of my car. It felt like a dream too. Like so unreal. But it wasnt a pleasant dream. It was a bad dream... Not like a nightmare, just a bad dream. I didnt know what to do. But im glad the other driver was very responsible and seemed genuine to help. I dont want to go into the details but i believe for the most part, it wasnt my fault. There are some things i should had done differently too. And for those i guess i was wrong. Of course i told my parents. And i told her. And also allen (since i was on my way to his house). I was actually quite shaken about it. When i took the driver's phone number... I realised my hands were shaking a bit. How could such a small thing affect me so much? I tried really hard to hide this from her. But i think she saw through me. Because when she said she will find me later, i was really happy. Because it showed how much she cared. Thanks so much. And she dropped a chocolate cake for me... I felt so touched. No words can express how i feel now. Thanks.

Anyway, I continued jogging today and I am glad I made more progress than yesterday. I'll continue it every day.

Exercising

I need to exercise more. to lose weight and keep myself fit. also I realise that I have been running wrong. but I'm glad I got some pointers and it helped me run longer. thanks. I know its not much but I am trying very hard.

Cooking

I started cooking again. which is kinda a big deal because I haven't cooked in a long time. and I was bluffing when I said I can cook well. hahaha... I'm just an okay cook whose food is just okay. but anyway I tried to cook the food is mist often cook in uk. which is fried noodles... simple and fast. yes, yes I know its a bit unhealthy but gimme some time before I move on to more complicated dishes...

tastes okay but I feel many things missing. haiz... I need to improve more if I want to cook for her.

Is it a dream?

When I woke up this morning, I almost pinched myself. But I didn't because I was still sleepy and well... I didn't want to wake up if it really was a dream.

Because it all seemed way too much like a dream. A beautifully crafted and pleasant dream that little fairy angels created. I slept with a smile and I woke up with a smile. I can't imagine a better way to start my day.

And when I saw the first message of the day from her, my heart leapt with joy. It was a short simple message, but one with enough weight to jerk me awake in less than a second.

Anyway I saw a news that IS is not targeting Malaysia and Indonesia. The first thing that came to my mind was her convocation in October. I was a bit worried about her safety. But I hope its fine. Yes... It'll be fine.

I feel a bit weird... It has been long since I was so happy like this. It feels almost unreal.

Crossroads of life

So here I am again. Long after I deleted my blog. Because now I am reaching a crossroad in my life again. Those who know me will know that I only write blogs when I am facing great uncertainty and confusion.

More than two years ago, I was posted to Daro. A little town in the middle of nowhere. And despite all my complaints and groans, I am actually relieved to be posted there. Why? Because it gave me a chance to let go of the past that has hurt me so badly. It was my chance to move on. I believed that time will heal all pain and that was exactly what I will get in Daro.

While I was in Daro, I thought I found my true love. But it turned out to be fake. I was deluded for a while thinking that it might last forever. And once again I felt so hurt.

That was when I realise that pain was destined to find me everywhere. There was no escaping it. Because pain will come together with love. I might have to risk facing pain a thousand and one times in order to find my true love.

Which is why I am risking it now. Because I should never stop trying. Even if the first one thousand times it ends up with heartbreak. I still believe that the one thousand and one time is the correct time.

She was right. As I was trying to forget my pain, I forgot all about myself. I drowned so deeply in my pain that I ignored myself. Physically and mentally.

Now I need to take care of myself. If I couldn't love myself, how do I expect anyone to love me? I will start loving myself. Start by getting rid of my weaknesses. I know my own weaknesses already. But my weakness is the inability to get rid of my weaknesses. Now I must change.

And I hope that this time, I find my true love. My soul mate. God please help me find my true love. If this time I was wrong too, please let me down easy. And bless my journey to find my love. Thank you God.