Paranoia: Extreme Level

I guess I know how she felt last week.  When she was insecure.  It’s like every single thing can trigger a huge reaction.  And that is exactly how I feel right now.  Just because I felt that she was a bit distant this whole day, I became paranoid and scared.  I wonder about what.  But then, I became obsessed.  Like a man with any obsession, he will fixate on that one thing he is obsessed about as long as he can.  I keep wondering about her, keep thinking about her, keep missing her.  Even more than I usually do.  And I know this is scary.  Most girls will run screaming away from me right now.  But I really hope she is not like that.  Because I really love her so much.

I guess that it is because I love her so much that I became depressed like this.  If I didn’t love her that much, I wouldn’t even care.  So what does this mean to me?  Am I destined to be hurt and sad and depressed every time I love a girl wholeheartedly?  Will I forever be tortured if I love a girl?  Is that why I have such a strong phobia with love?

Please don’t hurt me, if you are reading.  Please love me and give me lots of attention.  Because I am like a little puppy.  Give me lots of attention and I will love you forever and ever.  I will always be faithful to you until the day I die.  

Even if you are busy, please just send me a message.  Telling me that you are too busy to talk to me, or chat with me.  Please always tell me you love me.  Or that you miss me.  Because it makes a big difference to my day.  Whether I have a joyful day or not, depends on how you treat me.  I’m so pathetic.  I’m sorry.  

In the end, after I told her all of this, she told me to look at her WeChat moments.  And there it was, her loud proclamation to the world (at least to those close friends) that she is in love with me.  And she uploaded our pictures.  And I was very touched with that.  Because it is not easy for her to loudly profess her love to a guy.  I know she is shy.  Any girl would be.  And she is even more shy that most girls I know.  Thank you.

I know she is trying very hard to cheer me up and to make me feel secure.  But like how she was feeling last week, insecurity cannot just be turned off like a light switch.  It takes time.  It takes a lot of effort to make a person feel secure again.  Last week, it took me three days.  And I really tried so hard and did a lot of things I would normally never do to make her feel secure.  I know she realizes this, which is why she professed her love for me in her WeChat moments.  

Thank you for continuing to try and make me feel better.  Thank you for making such a big step in our relationship.  Thank you for always loving me.  As I write all of this, I feel much better already.  I love her very much.  And I know she loves me too.  Shouldn’t this be the only thing that matters?