Letting go

Sorry that it has been a few days.  I guess in my hectic days, I really forgot to write something here.  Since last week, I think I have been having an incredibly happy and joyful week.  So happy in fact, that I feel like this is still a dream.  Yes, it has been nearly a week, but I still think that I am dreaming.  But over this week, I have come to realize that I really like her.  Not just like her as a friend, but more than that.  How did I become this way?  When did I started changing my view of her?  I don’t know exactly but when I looked back early of this year, the feeling was there already.  And the feelings have just grown stronger and stronger every day.

Before this, I was scared and worried.  I know my weaknesses.  Not just the ones we talked about, but other weaknesses.  Like I think I am clingy.  I like to text her often, to ask her about her day, to just talk to her.  Sometimes, even saying things like “I miss you” or “I am thinking of you”.  Over the past few failed relationships, I have always been more and more controlling of myself.  I thought that girls do not like to hear me saying that often.  Maybe because they will eventually get tired of it or because after a while, they think I am just saying it for the fun of it.  They never realized that I meant every word I said.

Because all this while, I have always been torturing myself.  I know I am a very passionate person.  When I fall in love with a girl, I will have only her in my mind.  No other girls, no matter how pretty or sexy they are, comes close to her in my mind.  Sounds like I’m lying, but I am not.  That is why I often think of her throughout the day.  But I have learnt not to be clingy because it will drive the girl away.  But the more I hold myself back, the more I am torturing myself.  Because I miss the girl so much, yet I cannot ask her too often how her day is going.  Even when I wanted to send one text, I would think nearly 10 times if I would bother her.

This time, I was so surprised when she told me that she doesn’t mind.  And she herself texted me so often during the day.  She is so different and unique.  And I know right that moment that she is the one for me.  She fits me like a jigsaw puzzle.  And for that I love her.  I am not afraid to admit it anymore.  I love her very much.

Up until now, I still had a bit of reservation within myself.  She seems like a dream come true for me.  What if she really is?  What if a few months from now, she suddenly gets a realization that she doesn’t really like me?  Would I be hurt again?  But after last week and today, my worries are getting more and more washed away.  I am not afraid anymore.  I am no longer afraid of letting myself fall head over heels in love again.  I am ready to love her now.  And I will.

Anyway, recently I started watching Descendants of the Sun.  And I really love that show.  It is just so romantic.  Just now, I saw a really nice and meaningful quote.  When I saw it, I really want to share it with her.  

Yoo:       Usually dating is when things that “I can do myself” are done by the other person.

Kang:     I will do it later for you too.  The things that you can do by yourself.

If you are reading, I hope you know... I hope I can do those things for you too.