A vision

This afternoon, I managed to sleep a while.  It’s been quite some time since I took a nap.  I forgot how refreshing it is.

Just before I slept, we video called and you showed me your wedding gowns.  And when I saw you wearing it, my heart jumped.  Because you look so beautiful wearing them.  For a moment, I suddenly envisioned our wedding day.  Nothing in particular, just seeing you wearing your wedding dress, on our wedding day. 

It felt so good.  I felt so happy.  And I became quite anxious about our future.  Not negative anxious, but happy anxious.  The type of anxious when you have been waiting for something for a very long time, and you will finally get it.

I hope our wedding can go smoothly.  I hope we will have a happily married life.  I hope I can love you as much as you love me.

For now, I just wish that you will be happy meeting my parents, and they are happy meeting you.

I love you, my dear.

A drive

So today, I drove back to Sibu because I wanted to eat Sushi King Bonanza.  Oh my goodness.  I love eating sushi so much and I love having such a deal on the nicest sushi I can find in Sibu.  Which is no big deal because there are just two places serving sushi in Sibu.

And by the way, I was kidding.  Honestly, I went back because I wanted  to see you.  To meet you.  To hug you.  

Sushi doesn’t matter much to me.  If I were to choose between you or sushi, of course I would choose you.  The last few days, we had such a huge fight.  And I am worried actually if you are okay.  

Do you remember last time, I also wanted to go back Sibu on weekdays?  Those times were also when we fought.  Because I can’t stand to leave you alone after we fight.  I know you won’t be okay so I want to be there for you.

To be honest, yes it is tiring for me.  Driving nearly 6 hours to and fro.  Driving in the rain.  Driving in the dark.  But do you know?  If I had to do it again, I won’t hesitate to do it.  Because it is worth it.  For you, everything is worth it.

I hope you are really happy to see me.  I hope you feel blissful that I am there for you, even if just for 4 hours.  

I love you, my dear.  And if I have to cross the ocean to meet you, I will.

In between a game of badminton

What does driving and plating badminton has in common? They require utmost concentration. If I don't focus in driving, I will die. If I don't focus on badminton, I lose.

What does washing dishes and cleaning my house have in common? They are such mundane tasks, I can do them without much concentration.

What am I trying to say?

There are times when I absolutely need to drive or play badminton. Sometimes I really need to take a long drive all the way to KK. Because those are the times when I am very down and depressed, and I know that no matter how much I think about my troubles, I won't solve it. So I just need to forget about them. By doing something that requires my utmost concentration.

There are times when I absolutely need to clean my house or wash the dishes. Those are the times when I am very troubled, but I need time to think. I believe that when I do extremely mundane tasks, I will free up my mind to think about my troubles.

Just now, I played badminton but somehow I thought a lot. Maybe that's why I lost. Because somehow now, I can't concentrate.

老婆... If you will still have me, I want to continue being with you. I still wanna marry you. And I still wanna spend the rest of my life with you. Because truly, I'm sorry. And I want to apologise for scolding you. For being emotional this few days. For forgetting stuff.

Please forgive me. I want to love you more. I want to try harder. I want to make notes and take ginkgo to improve my memory.

I love you, 老婆.

Blame

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-blame-game/201303/5-ways-blaming-hurts-relationships

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201302/stop-the-blame-game-in-your-relationship

I saw an angel

When you walked out to my car, my heart skipped a beat. I never thought I would see such a beautiful sight. Even more unbelievable that you are my girlfriend and my future wife. I'm so happy to see you. Did you realise? Every time I see you, I smile... Because when I see you, I can't help but smile.

Today I was held back late. But in the end, even though I know I will be very late, I still want to come back because I want to see you. I wanna meet you. I wanna hug you.

Seeing you will make me so so happy.

I'm quite tired also now... I love you my dear. Please always be with me.

The spark that lit the fire

I still find it hard to believe that I am in a relationship with you after 105 days.  And I keep wondering how do I make this last?  I guess it’s quite simple really.  To fulfill my promises and always care about you, always love you, always pamper you.

I will try to always do that.

Today, I was marking a lot of papers on my table and I advertently saw the note you left for me.  Do you remember?  I can’t help but think that if you had not written that note for me, I might never have had the courage to confess my love for you.  And we would never have gotten this far.

Its weird really.  In the beginning, I was even a bit worried and scared.  I didn’t know how it would be like to date you.  I didn’t know if we can get along.  And I didn’t know if we would last.

But now, I have had you in my life for all this time and I can’t imagine what my life would be without you.  I just want you to be with me all the time.  I just want to be with you.  I want you in my life. 

Around 3 months ago, I couldn’t imagine how it would be like to be with you.  Now, I can’t imagine my life without you.  I wonder how my life changed so much and so quickly?

It all started with these three pages.  Thank you for leaving this note for me.  I love you.

Long distance

Today I was depressed. I don't know why but I just miss you so much. I wish I could be with you right now and hugging you. Because today I really think of you so much.

I would like to think that recently, I have become much more secure and less depressed. But there are days like today that prove me wrong.

Long distance relationships are very hard to maintain. But I guess there are those who make it work because they love each other very much and trust each other very much.

I hope even though we are not considered very long distance, we can make things work. It's especially hard when we have issues, or if I feel depressed. Because we can only call or text and those are not good ways to communicate.

I hope I can always be with you when you are depressed because I know that is the only way to help you. But for now, please bear with me. I hope you will always be there for me too when I need you.

This is how we will make our long distance relationship work.

I love you. Now and always.