Change

Today is the last day for me in Daro.  And it still feels so weird and like a dream.  In fact, I am almost unable to accept that I won’t be spending the next month and more not being in this living room, not sleeping in my bed, not making coffee in the kitchen.

Have you ever had that kinda Stockholm Syndrome, where you really hated a place very much but when you are going to leave that place, you suddenly feel hesitant?  I’m sure everyone has felt that.  And it is perfectly natural.

I think that everyone is afraid of change.  A lot of people say that they are not afraid of change, they are open to new ideas and activities, but they are lying.  They are just afraid of change in other aspects of their life.

Why am I saying this?  Because I am afraid of change too.  I am a small village kid who is afraid of trying new things and diverting from his own routines.

Don’t get me wrong.  It’s not that I will resist change.  If I have no choice but to change, then I will change.  But if I can make do without changes, I won’t.

During my university life, I was much more susceptible to change.  Because I was experiencing something new almost every day.  But now, after seemingly settling down in Daro for 2 years, I seem to have gotten used to the laziness and slow-paced life.

So you are wondering, why am I saying all this?  What’s my point?

My point is that when it comes to something new, please help me.  Please accompany me as I go through whatever it is that is new to me.  If I am afraid, please comfort me.  Please be patient with me and not scold me. 

I will always love you.

Nervousssss

So I haven’t updated my blog in a while.  And I guess I am happy nowadays.  Last Saturday, you met my parents.  Trust me, they liked you.  You don’t know them yet, but I can tell you that they are quite warm towards you.  If they do not like you, they will be extremely polite to you.  But they seem to let their guard down with you, which is a very good sign.  Trust me.

Did you know?  I was really nervous too.  Because you may not realise it, but this is the first time I have ever brought a girl to meet my family.  And the first time, you are meeting my parents and my sister together.  I was hoping that you can meet my parents first, then, my sister.  Because my sister can sometimes be blunt and straightforward.

I was so surprised that my sister seems okay with you, even though she didn’t talk much to you.  But I can see that she is okay with you.

And honestly, things have been moving really fast for me.  Because like I said before, I never talked to my parents about any relationship I had before.  You are the first.  And now, you already met my parents.  Like what???

I hope you like my family.  Because well, they are my family and I can’t escape them, even after we get married.  And I really hope they love you too.  Because I felt that your mother never really loved you that much, so I really hoped my mother can love you in return.

To answer your question, I will marry you.  Of course I will.

And yes, I was so so so nervous on Saturday too.  But I am glad we did it.  And I’m glad they liked you.

I love you.  Let us start a family together.

Part 2

So this morning, I had the weirdest dream.  You ever had the type of dream that started off as a nice romantic tale, then it morphed into something dark?  That was the dream I had. 

So, bla bla, you already know about the wedding.  How we said our vows, and we were married.  And we left.  And at the lobby of the hotel, I asked my dad if I am making the right decision.  And he said that we never know which is the right decision, so we should always be confident and believe that the decision we make is the right one.

Then, he showed me this 98^th floor, which is like an abstract world.  Almost like I am seeing the world as an abstract painting.

And he told me various stuff.  And while looking, we saw a monster running around at a park.  Its big and huge.  And it was running on all four legs.  Somehow or another, we decided to chase it.  I don’t remember how we got down there, but after a while, we were chasing it.

Now, it seems like a stupid idea because well, it was a monster.  And we had no weapons or skills that can save us.  But we just chased it, through a few neighborhoods.

Until finally, we chased it down and attacked it with a stick (stupid).  And the monster got infuriated and pounced on me.  About to eat me.  And I woke up.

Come to think of it, it looked kinda like one of the mini bosses of Final Fantasy 8.  Catoblepas.  Just for reference, here is a picture of it.

What a weird dream.  I completely forgot about my wedding reception and chased after a monster with no weapon, ending up with me getting eaten, hours after I got married.  I didn’t even get to consummate my wedding.  Stupid me.

Anyway, just sharing this dream with you.  I hope our wedding is wonderful.  With no monsters.

I love you, my dear.

A dream

Last night, I was really so tired.  I felt so unwell.  So I didn’t write anything.  So this morning, I wanted to write something.

Last night (or early this morning) I had a dream.  I dreamt about our wedding again.  This time, it was different.  I remember much clearer this time.

We were somewhere.  It looks like a church but doesn’t seem to be.  Probably a small church.  I was waiting in front of the aisles for you.  The organist starts to play wedding bells and I watch the front door for you.

After a few minutes, you still didn’t appear.  I became worried.  I started thinking.  Maybe you changed your mind.  Maybe you decided you didn’t want to marry me after all.  Oh no!

But luckily you came in. and you walked all the way to the front.  And I hold your hand.  And we said our vows.  And we got married.  And I kissed you.

Then, we left because the wedding ceremony is over.  We were preparing for dinner. 

I remember in my dream, I was alone with my dad.  And I asked him, “Do you think I made the right decision?”

And he replied, “You never know if it is the right decision.  You just accept it as right.”

*** SPOILERS – THIS DREAM BECOMES FREAKING WEIRD***

He brings me to the elevator in the hotel (we were having a reception in the hotel).  He pressed 98 floor and we went up.  Once the door opened, I could see the whole world.  But not normally, like everything was in abstract form.  Like a painting?

He said, “When your mind is at peace, it is like this now.  It is slow and beautiful.  But if your mind is troubled, the world will be hideous and chaotic.  When you want to think, you can come here and calm down.  This used to be my personal space, but I give it to you now.”

Then, things became even weird.  There was a monster.  And stuff.

I love you.  I hope our wedding will be happy and cheerful.

Coming weeks

Today, you drew on my arm.  Actually, I don’t mind that.  I don’t mind you drawing a small heart.  But please don’t get carried away okay?  Don’t draw something huge on my arm please?  I’m not scolding you oh.  Because I do like that you are naughty and playful.  But just not too much okay?

Today seems like a very long day.  I am quite tired…  Maybe I need more rest.

I am uncertain about our coming weeks.  Seems like a lot of things packed in.  I feel a bit overwhelmed.  Next week you are meeting my parents.  The following week, we are going to Bintulu.  The week later, I must finish all my assignments.  Then soon, we are going to Bali.

I guess I’m just hoping that everything is fine.  I just hope everything is perfect.  I don’t want to be too tired that I cannot enjoy our times.

I love you, my dear.  I hope we can enjoy all our times.

A vision

This afternoon, I managed to sleep a while.  It’s been quite some time since I took a nap.  I forgot how refreshing it is.

Just before I slept, we video called and you showed me your wedding gowns.  And when I saw you wearing it, my heart jumped.  Because you look so beautiful wearing them.  For a moment, I suddenly envisioned our wedding day.  Nothing in particular, just seeing you wearing your wedding dress, on our wedding day. 

It felt so good.  I felt so happy.  And I became quite anxious about our future.  Not negative anxious, but happy anxious.  The type of anxious when you have been waiting for something for a very long time, and you will finally get it.

I hope our wedding can go smoothly.  I hope we will have a happily married life.  I hope I can love you as much as you love me.

For now, I just wish that you will be happy meeting my parents, and they are happy meeting you.

I love you, my dear.

A drive

So today, I drove back to Sibu because I wanted to eat Sushi King Bonanza.  Oh my goodness.  I love eating sushi so much and I love having such a deal on the nicest sushi I can find in Sibu.  Which is no big deal because there are just two places serving sushi in Sibu.

And by the way, I was kidding.  Honestly, I went back because I wanted  to see you.  To meet you.  To hug you.  

Sushi doesn’t matter much to me.  If I were to choose between you or sushi, of course I would choose you.  The last few days, we had such a huge fight.  And I am worried actually if you are okay.  

Do you remember last time, I also wanted to go back Sibu on weekdays?  Those times were also when we fought.  Because I can’t stand to leave you alone after we fight.  I know you won’t be okay so I want to be there for you.

To be honest, yes it is tiring for me.  Driving nearly 6 hours to and fro.  Driving in the rain.  Driving in the dark.  But do you know?  If I had to do it again, I won’t hesitate to do it.  Because it is worth it.  For you, everything is worth it.

I hope you are really happy to see me.  I hope you feel blissful that I am there for you, even if just for 4 hours.  

I love you, my dear.  And if I have to cross the ocean to meet you, I will.

In between a game of badminton

What does driving and plating badminton has in common? They require utmost concentration. If I don't focus in driving, I will die. If I don't focus on badminton, I lose.

What does washing dishes and cleaning my house have in common? They are such mundane tasks, I can do them without much concentration.

What am I trying to say?

There are times when I absolutely need to drive or play badminton. Sometimes I really need to take a long drive all the way to KK. Because those are the times when I am very down and depressed, and I know that no matter how much I think about my troubles, I won't solve it. So I just need to forget about them. By doing something that requires my utmost concentration.

There are times when I absolutely need to clean my house or wash the dishes. Those are the times when I am very troubled, but I need time to think. I believe that when I do extremely mundane tasks, I will free up my mind to think about my troubles.

Just now, I played badminton but somehow I thought a lot. Maybe that's why I lost. Because somehow now, I can't concentrate.

老婆... If you will still have me, I want to continue being with you. I still wanna marry you. And I still wanna spend the rest of my life with you. Because truly, I'm sorry. And I want to apologise for scolding you. For being emotional this few days. For forgetting stuff.

Please forgive me. I want to love you more. I want to try harder. I want to make notes and take ginkgo to improve my memory.

I love you, 老婆.

Blame

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-blame-game/201303/5-ways-blaming-hurts-relationships

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201302/stop-the-blame-game-in-your-relationship

I saw an angel

When you walked out to my car, my heart skipped a beat. I never thought I would see such a beautiful sight. Even more unbelievable that you are my girlfriend and my future wife. I'm so happy to see you. Did you realise? Every time I see you, I smile... Because when I see you, I can't help but smile.

Today I was held back late. But in the end, even though I know I will be very late, I still want to come back because I want to see you. I wanna meet you. I wanna hug you.

Seeing you will make me so so happy.

I'm quite tired also now... I love you my dear. Please always be with me.

The spark that lit the fire

I still find it hard to believe that I am in a relationship with you after 105 days.  And I keep wondering how do I make this last?  I guess it’s quite simple really.  To fulfill my promises and always care about you, always love you, always pamper you.

I will try to always do that.

Today, I was marking a lot of papers on my table and I advertently saw the note you left for me.  Do you remember?  I can’t help but think that if you had not written that note for me, I might never have had the courage to confess my love for you.  And we would never have gotten this far.

Its weird really.  In the beginning, I was even a bit worried and scared.  I didn’t know how it would be like to date you.  I didn’t know if we can get along.  And I didn’t know if we would last.

But now, I have had you in my life for all this time and I can’t imagine what my life would be without you.  I just want you to be with me all the time.  I just want to be with you.  I want you in my life. 

Around 3 months ago, I couldn’t imagine how it would be like to be with you.  Now, I can’t imagine my life without you.  I wonder how my life changed so much and so quickly?

It all started with these three pages.  Thank you for leaving this note for me.  I love you.

Long distance

Today I was depressed. I don't know why but I just miss you so much. I wish I could be with you right now and hugging you. Because today I really think of you so much.

I would like to think that recently, I have become much more secure and less depressed. But there are days like today that prove me wrong.

Long distance relationships are very hard to maintain. But I guess there are those who make it work because they love each other very much and trust each other very much.

I hope even though we are not considered very long distance, we can make things work. It's especially hard when we have issues, or if I feel depressed. Because we can only call or text and those are not good ways to communicate.

I hope I can always be with you when you are depressed because I know that is the only way to help you. But for now, please bear with me. I hope you will always be there for me too when I need you.

This is how we will make our long distance relationship work.

I love you. Now and always.

The silence of the moment

Last night, when we were walking out of Giant, towards my car, I had a sudden realization hit me.  I had a very strong epiphany and the reality just hit me so strongly. 

At that very moment, I looked over to you and…  Do know how people say that when you are in love, you just see the person you love, while everything else just becomes blurry.  That’s what I saw at that moment.

When I looked at you, I saw you clearly, focusing only on you.  I felt everything that we have gone through so far.  And the reality that you are my girlfriend, my future wife, hit me hard.   And I felt an overwhelming sense of love and happiness.

I felt so blissful at that moment.  You were holding my hand, you were smiling and you were so cute at that moment and I felt so blissful.

Thank you, my love for being in my life.  Thank you for being with me all the time.  Thank you for caring for me when I am unwell.  You are the love of my life.

I will always love you, and I will always care for you.  Please always be there for me like that.  You are an angel sent to me.  Thank you.